Hello, World

I can tell you exactly what I was doing ten years ago on this day. For 17-year-old me, each school day was the same formula. Chronically sleep deprived, I drifted from classroom to classroom, eyes flicking between the clock and the backs of my eyelids. If there was one perk to being Chinese American, it was the knowledge that I could always pull out the race card if a teacher called me out for dozing off. No reason to pay attention during class, really. Because I was destined for more than this. They'd see.

I was a mediocre student by East Asian standards. Mostly A's, some B's, and the occasional C. But that was fine, because I wasn't trying. I had other problems too like overeating, severe social anxiety, and a terrible case of acne, but again, I wasn't really trying. Someday I would rise to the occasion and try. I'd accomplish things left and right and I would stand on my pedestal of achievements knowing all I had to do was try. That day was inevitable, so it didn't have to be that day. Or the next one either.

In eighth period, the hour and minute hand would miraculously find their way to 2:45PM. The sweet, long tone of the final bell would ring across the halls.

Arriving home I headed straight to the basement, flicking on my dual monitors and turning on my custom built gaming PC. Cooling fans and RGB lights came to life. On a good day, Dad would still be at work and Mom would be out shopping for groceries. On those days, I had the freedom to do what I wanted to do without judgment for a few short hours. Stimulatory oblivion.

The ritual begins. Open LoL. Talk shit with my friends on Skype. Queue up. Put homework -to be ignored- on the desk to feel productive. Squeeze in as many games as possible. Parents are home now. Queue up. Yelling at me to stop playing games. Scramble upstairs and wolf down dinner that's gone cold. Grab chips, pretzels, candy, then head back down to the basement. Parents are mad. Argue while gaming. Why can't they just leave me alone for once? I'm going to be great eventually so just let me be. Play more League than I even want to to prove a point. Parents go to bed. Finally, freedom. One last game. Midnight. I have homework due in 2 days. But I can't end on a loss. Winners don't end on a loss. Queue up. 1AM. Exit out of League. Porn to unwind. Time for bed. Late-night hunger so I prepare more snacks. Eat while I watch YouTube or anime. Brush my teeth while watching anime. Watch anime in bed. 2AM. Getting tired, but the freedom of the night is precious. Just one more episode. 2:30AM. Just one more episode. 3AM. My eyes can barely stay open. Maybe just one more episode. 8:00AM. Dad is waking me up. Too tired to try today. Go to school. Repeat.

"Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years."

Looking back at my own decade of transformation, this quote resonates deeply with the unexpected journey I've taken.

Where I am now

Google software engineer. 1,000 pound club and 1:32 half marathon. Overcome social anxiety. Achievements from the last 10 years that 17 year old Jim would be thrilled about. In high school, I was in a negative spiral, falling deeper and deeper into despair with each passing day. Depriving myself of sleep caused poor school performance. Poor school performance prompted escapism through video games, processed foods, and pornography. Escapism led to sleep deprivation - and the cycle continued.

The first pushback against this momentum came when I resolved to lose weight. I did it completely wrong, but my feet had started walking in the right direction. Wanting to lose weight led to lifting. Lifting led to discipline as well and forming the bond with my now closest friends. One of these close friends landed a great new job during the pandemic which inspired me to begin job hunting. The discipline from lifting carried over into interview prep which ultimately landed me my job at Google. The job at Google provided the financial stability to finally address problems like acne, diet, and sleep. Fixing these problems led to growing confidence which led to going on dates and meeting my then-girlfriend. And the breakup led to introspection which led to therapy, meditation, and the culmination of the thoughts in this blog post.

Where I'm going

When you "have it good", it becomes easy to bury dissatisfaction under the comforts of life. For me, that was the cushy big tech job, the decent physique, the carefree relationship, etc. Maybe the job is entirely uninspiring, maybe I didn't really reach my fitness goals, and maybe the relationship is missing a few things, but life was good enough. After all, many people would love to be in this position. Desiring more would surely be tasteless avarice.

At some point, consciously or not, I looked back and saw the endless hallway of closed doors behind me. Possibilities that were once abundant had leaked through the cracks of my fingers like fine grains of sand as I mistook movement for progress. In craving extrinsic validation and in fear of my heart's yearning, I had buried my soul.

In the past months, I deeply examined what my 17 year old self envisioned for his future. He had no idea of the specifics of his perceived destiny, but the essence of his desire feels crystal clear. I mapped that essence into practical and measurable goals:

• Health
  • Get jacked: 180lbs @12% body fat
  • Great cardio: Run the Boston marathon & achieve a 65 VO2max
• Wealth
  • Financial independence: $50M net worth
  • Work freedom: Location independence & self-defined hours
• Mind
  • Self love: Feel undeniable self-love daily
  • Mindfulness: Experience reality as it is 24/7
• Relationships
  • Life partner: Find and commit to a life partner
  • Family: Have two kids & see family at least bi-weekly
  • Friends: See friends at least bi-weekly

Having defined these goals, the question becomes how to make them into reality. Dreams without execution remain fantasies, and my 17-year-old self was a master of fantasy without follow-through. This time will be different—here's how I'll approach the journey.

The method

Clear-cut goals both remind me of the destiny I imagined for myself as well as provide me a framework for attacking life. I want to be 180lbs at 12% body fat, meaning I'm going to have to put on about 15 pounds of muscle. If I want to put on 15 pounds of muscle, I better lift on a regimented schedule and eat enough protein daily. I want to have a $50M net worth, meaning I either have to work corporate until I'm over 60 years old, or give my all into entrepreneurship. I want to feel undeniable self-love so I better continue to do therapy and work on my internal state daily. While life is a series of closing doors, non-negotiable goals provide a framework for mass-eliminating doors not to walk through and highlighting the ones to enter.

So why have I gotten on a soapbox to preach all this self-obsessed nonsense on this personal website? To be honest, it is really all for myself so that:

• I have a solid definition of where I want to go.

• I track my progress.

• I have a sense of accountability.

The existence of this post explicitly defines my goals, erasing any ambiguity that I could use to fall short. I plan to post weekly updates for now to track progress on each goal, so that I have a record of causes and effects. And doing this all publicly -even if no one reads it- keeps me accountable for when I inevitably lose motivation. Finally, one ancillary hope is that someone may find value towards their own journey in observing mine, just as I have with so many others.

Closing remarks

In my final years of high school, I remember the debaucherous routine that I depicted above. But I also remember driving around the small-town roads with my best friend, getting our favorite Jersey Mike's orders, pretending we knew what we were doing at Planet Fitness, and having weekend late-night conversations in my parents' 15 year old Toyota Camry with the sunroof down and chairs fully reclined, looking at the stars. I remember the crackling voices of old men on the radio talking stocks, resting my eyes as my Dad drove me to school. Under my fingertips I feel the worn out pearls of my alto saxophone in the band room where for a moment, my fatigue took a back seat to the distraction of playing music. I think our hearts naturally push us towards our true selves. Sometimes, we need that fire at our heels to get us moving. As we navigate, I hope that we always remember that to simply live is also enough.

"A man has two lives, and the second begins when he realizes he only has one"

Hello, world.